Thoughts From a Past Life

The following is a grouping of passages from a time before blogs were common and a paper and a pen were what kept my mind company. From April 2006-March 2007.

It could, more realistically, be titled "A look into the heart of a young, love-sick girl" haha. But it has fond memories.


This written in the Home Fashions and Tools cash wraps of Sears in Provo, when I was a young cashier of 18. haha. The good old days...

(home fashions)
The greatest obstacle I am ever going to encounter in this life will not be to get along and to "play nice"--will not be to forgive and forget. The greatest obstacle and lesson for me to learn in this life will be one of self-acceptance. Easy though it may sound, I know myself. When somebody asks the question, "what was she thinking when...?", only I will know the answer to that mystery.
No amount of validation, consolation or therapy will pull me away from myself. Conceited to the point of being inept, fake, I loathe the love I feel for myself and refuse to accept it as my fate and demise. And what, the casual reader may ask, is the cause of such a cynical temperament? Although I have been warned time and time again against finding excuses for my problems, they all culminate to one giant, earth-shattering, five letter word: males.
Don't for a second think that I am prejudice against the "greater" sex. Quite the opposite, in fact. And therein lies the problem. I cannot claim that their stupidity, naivety and carrying on of false pretenses is entirely their doing, and am entirely willing to take some due credit upon myself. However, one point needs to remain clear: My life has never been a game to me, and I will not be played.
Tying my stream of thoughts back to earlier points, there is something in a man's eyes which, while one second tells you that you are gorgeous, wonderful and perfect, even at the same time causes a depreciation of one's self-worth.
It is in this eye contact which causes the "gentler" sex to act on rash whim or say things which perhaps can attract an undesired consequence.
I am not, as of yet, speaking of love or any other such emotion. Rather, I am speaking of attraction--an often times fatal subspecies of Love. It is attraction which oft-times causes the most damage to one's psyche and which, in cases like my own, creates hostile feelings of self worth.

______


There is, in the wake of attraction's wide breadth, the encouragement--the wink, the smile, the glances and the casual, cheerful greeting while in passing. What, during these times of encouragement, is one in my predicament supposed to do? Either back away with the possibility of missing out--or rise to the occasion. Bur rising means you may also fall.

_______


Rising to the encouragement of attraction means that you may fall--in pain or in love.
The worse?

________


(from tools....)
The plight that a new face has upon one's heart is an interesting matter to behold. Is the fatal attraction simply a matter of convenience?--of fresh serenity, working her way into the gentle, trick-filled chasms of the heart? Or is it an earnest desire to get to know another of similar age and social stature who consequently has the immediate appearance of availability and openness? Oi! The heart!

________


The hungry mind, when gone unfed, starts to feed upon itself with hopeless indulgence. It thinks, dreams and feels what it will, when it will--completely uncaring as to atmosphere or surroundings. It is within this situation that true self-honesty is announced. What is it in those moments that makes you think of the one who you want near? What is it, in those moments, that allows someone to feel for another completely unlike his/her self? Something so self-indulging while at the same time so phenomenally kind, sincere and loving toward an outside element?
And so, with this uncontrollable element, I am forced to wait To wait, to wonder and to see.

_________


After the waiting, when at last the goal has been met, there starts the feeling of inadequacy. Knowing one's self is either an all powerful or an all decrepidating thing. Knowing of my own insecurities makes the situation all the worse. I know my weaknesses and inadvertently bring them into full light and view when attempting to woe the being of my choice. With chance after chance for discovery floating away by the minute. I wonder--can I make it? Will anything happen? Or will this once again be a chance which has slipped away, unaided into the abyss?
Blast these accursed feelings!!!

__________


To wake up from a dream is a harsh reality check. One minute smiles envelop all senses, leaving the body paralyzed to the caressing softness of the mist-filled images the next-it is awoken to the harsh cold that surrounds. This switch--from reality to reality--must be swift in order to be complete. It breaks a bond that the mind holds over the body. It must be clean.

__________


Being fake is what I do best in my life right now. It is much easier to be false--to become the character that is universally accepted than it is to be the one who I really am who, although not universally accepted, is genuine.
How is one to be one's self when surrounded by the idiocy of others' juvenile behaviors. A behavior which, though at first glance may appear non-existent in an individual, is in fact embedded within every soul of the male sex.
Woe to the sickened heart of a girl looking for love.